MicroPakistan

[For all those who are not aware this is a satirical piece as part of a series called NEWSFLASH (click here)]

MicroPakistan has been fortunate enough to get an exclusive interview with one of the most important people in the present government, the man of the hour, the advisor to the advisor to the Prime Minister on Interior Affairs. For security reasons we are unable to disclose his name. Here is a transcript of the interview:

MicroPK: Mr. Advisor, the President has come under severe criticism for spending almost half his time in office on foreign trips. Do you not think that at such a critical time he should cut down on such trips?

The Advisor: Certainly not. You see, the President’s job is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. It is also one of the most dangerous. After Bibi Muhtarma he is number 1 on the hit list for Al-Qaeda and all those other terrorists. He knows that and he has taken the danger head on. If he stays in the country, more Marriots will happen. Every time the terrorists make a plan to bomb him, he leaves the country. In a way he’s taunting them. This has two benefits. One, the terrorists are too busy trying to kill him and unable to resume normal suicide service and secondly, the President is taking the war brought by the West to Pakistan back to the West. I mean, now to attack the President they would have to blow themselves up in New York or London or Beijing or Dubai and not in Islamabad. This is the President’s ultimate sacrifice. I hope people understand.

MicroPK: Hmmm…I never thought of it that way. It just seemed like he was having a great time frequenting his favourite haunts in all the major cities of the world on state expenses. Which brings me to my next question. Why take 200 plus people on a trip to the Saudia?

The Advisor: Well, firstly the trip was funded by the President himself. I am sure you know that.

MicroPK: That is what we’re being told, but even then wouldn’t the President’s ‘personal money’ have been better utilised if it had been spent in the country itself. Maybe some sort of fund may have been set up by the President and his ministers to kick-start the process of collecting money for the failing economy.

The Advisor: Oh God…my friend, it’s basic economics. The more money there is to go around, the more growth there is. You put that money in some fund and its worth nothing. By spending money the President ensured that the Government spent no money on those ministers et al for a few days and yet money circulated. He increased the money in the economy.

MicroPK: Sir, you say the circulation of money would help the economy. That money was never spent in Pakistan. It was spent in Saudi Arabia to cover his delegations’ costs. How could it help the Pakistani economy?

The Advisor: Again…basis economics. It was spent on Pakistanis. That’s what matters at the end of the day.

MicroPK: Interesting economics. What kind of anti-terrorism policy is the Government considering?

The Advisor: Well, there is all kinds of terrorism. There is economic terrorism – have you seen Zaid Hamid’s show? - and those Khananis and Kalias. We’re dealing with those bloody economic terrorists. There is also cyber terrorism. We’ve passed a new ordinance this year, anybody caught downloading any information on Nuclear bombs from Wikipedia may be sentenced to death.

MicroPK: Death?? Isn’t that a bit harsh. I mean Wikipedia is quite innocuous.

The Advisor: Ofcourse not. You don’t know my friend. Wikipedia is extremely dangerous. All those terrorists learn to make bombs from it. You know it says on my profile page that I’ve gotten a hair transplant. I’m gonna sue those bastards. They had that news up even before I got the bloody thing. This is just not on.

MicroPK: Well, why don’t you just go and take it off your profile. Anyone can edit it.

The Advisor: Oh, I didn’t know that. That means I can add to other people’s pages as well? Great. I know the bugger who’s done it. I’ll write something nasty on his page.

MicroPK: Sir, getting back to the topic at hand. What about the most important kind of terrorism? Suicide attacks.

The Advisor: Well, I think we’re making good progress in all areas of the country facing terrorism. I don’t want to talk more about it as I don’t want to give away our top secret strategy to the terrorists.

MicroPK: It appears that the Prime Minister is not really making any big decisions and it is his advisor on Interior Affairs, Mr. Rehman Malik who is calling all the shots. Is that how it is?

The Advisor: I think the Prime Minister has an enviable collection of suits. All from Italy. I never thought I would say this, but he has topped Shaukat Aziz already. He has to be the best dressed PM of the century.

MicroPK: What kind of decisions does he take sir?

The Advisor: All important ones.

MicroPK: Do you think a country like Pakistan requires 61 ministries considering that Germany has 18 and China 25?

The Advisor: Why not? Basic economics, my friend. I don’t know why people are worried about the number of the ministries. Oh bhai, they cost the country the same amount of money. You see the size of the pie is the same, trust me. We’ve just divided it into much smaller slices so that everyone gets a share. Mind you, by slice I don’t refer to any monetary gains, I am talking about the powers and the role. We want more focus and specialisation. Consider the Postal Services Ministry. It’s basically like a company and the minister is the Chief Executive. Economies of scale, my friend, economies of scale.

MicroPK: I had no idea you had such a great interest in economics. Although the economies of scale I read about clicked in with an INCREASE in size and not a DECREASE. Anyway, is there any justification for the President calling Kashmiris, a people we have supported for 60 years, terrorists?

The Advisor: That has been taken out of context. He only called the freedom fighters…uh…I mean the insurgents as terrorists.

MicroPK: Well, aren’t they freedom fighters? Further, at a time when some influential Indians are also recognizing the Kashmiris’ right to self-determination, do you think it was appropriate for our President to say such a thing?

The Advisor: What’s inappropriate? One man’s freedom fighter is another man’s terrorist.

MicroPK: Yes, but they were OUR freedom fighters!

The Advisor: But yeah but some terrorists have joined them. Anyway, there is a thin line between being a terrorist and a freedom fighter.

MicroPK: But they’re hardly doing any terrorist acts. They’re taking out peaceful processions. They’re hoisting Pakistani flags from buildings. Aren’t we letting them down?

The Advisor: No, of course not. We’re not letting the people down. We’re only letting the terrorists down. That’s our policy now.

MicroPK: Oh your policy is to not support terrorists you supported earlier?

The Advisor: Don’t misquote me! Earlier governments may have. Its possible. Not us. We didn’t support terrorists.

MicroPK: Aren’t you a PPP government and aren’t the Taliban committing terrorist acts?

The Advisor: Yes, to both.

MicroPK: A PPP government supported the Taliban during its formative years.

The Advisor: Oh please… they were fighting for a good cause then…to root out the Russians.

MicroPK: What’s the difference? They want to root out the infidels now.

The Advisor: No, now they’ve gone berserk. They have a tendency to enjoy blowing up things. I remember they used to hunt pigeons with rocket launchers a few years ago. And the buggers even got a few – bulls eye! Great marksmen, these guys!

MicroPK: What are your views on the Obama presidency?

The Advisor: I think our PM’s got better suits. I’m not kidding.

MicroPK: No, I mean Pak-US relations?

The Advisor: Oh… the President emails him every night. Like general stuff. Updates on the war n all and the latest investment opportunities in Dubai.

MicroPK: How did he get his email address? Does he reply?

The Advisor: Well, the President told me his email address is barrack@obama.com. Don’t think he replies though. Pres thinks he’s not replying cause he might be getting a lot of emails. I have a feeling the Pres made up the email address. He has a habit of doing that. He also mails at sarah@gorgeous.com.

MicroPK: What’s the President’s email address? I might want to ask some questions.

The Advisor: It’s top secret. Don’t tell him I told you. It is presidentofpakistan@pakistan.gov.pk.

MicroPK: Oh, ofcourse. Official email address. Any other? Personal?

The Advisor: hmmm…yeah… desiboy24@yahoo.com. Please don’t tell him I told you. This is like really private. 

MicroPK: Don’t worry, I won’t. Thank you sir, it was great speaking to you. Although I failed to understand some of your answers, I sure hope that you and your team are able to help Pakistan get out of the mess that it is in currently. That is all for now. - MicroPakistan