MicroPakistan

Aitzaz Ahsan was a somewhat well-known PPP member and a not so well-known lawyer. As his party’s popularity, and subsequently his own, was gradually declining in the eyes of the public, he decided to try his hand at a different occupation.

This new hobby has resulted in a complete reversal of fortune for Aitzaz! He is appearing on at least one news channel everyday in either a political discussion, a government roast, a legal debate, a cross-dresser’s drawing room, and even in sappy “Good Morning-lets meet the family” talk shows. We can safely say that he is now a well-known face in Pakistan. The following article neatly and rather amusingly captures the U-turn his popularity has taken (pun intended!).

The Drive to Success

by Sirajuddin Aziz

It’s eight in the evening and I am drowning in piles of paperwork, going through the same line possibly a million times now before I scribble something which looks like my signature at the end of the credit and management proposals. This exercise seems arduous as the zeal of my concentration staggers and my mind wanders in a reverie betraying every semblance of focus. My thoughts gallivant like a wild stallion into the fields of unfulfilled dreams and ambitions.

My childhood obsession with fancy toy cars underwent a metamorphosis from being a car racer (ala Schumacher) of those macho vehicles on the racing track to eventually turn into a suave driver of a gleaming and graceful Land Cruiser where I have donned a suit and am at the disposal of a celebrity.

This fetish for being in the driving seat is something I have developed since my childhood days, while watching my father’s official drivers. He had two to his disposal – Rahim and Jehangir.

This fetish for being in the driving seat is something I have developed since my childhood days, while watching my father’s official drivers. He had two to his disposal – Rahim and Jehangir. Rahim was short-statured and roundish with a pot belly hanging out, which even his large broad belt also could not hold in its place. He always reminded me of the picture of the giant dwarf, with bulging eyes bending over Snow White. In contrast, Jehangir was slim and tall, had piercing eyes and a rather unkempt beard, over which he would always run his fingers to either straighten the growth or to satisfy the itching. Jehangir was a noble soul and did not possess the art or talent that Rahim had, to seek importance and visibility.

I realised back then that being the driver to my dad, Rahim enjoyed a certain stature and position in the eyes of his colleagues. Of course being the blue-eyed chauffeur and embracing all knowledge about the boss, he would then throw his weight around. In those good old days, even civil servants were considered celebrities. Considerable attention would be poured over Rahim as he would bloat in it. Having watched the limelight, it initiated the greed in me to bag the same amount of attention and it then struck me that I wanted to be a driver to some celebrity so I could be the recipient of immense visibility and glitz in society.

I have, therefore, always imagined that I would drive the celebrity who would be sitting next to me in the car and people would be showering no less than 500kg of rose petals in a way. It would create the fantasy that this bedazzling deluge is directed towards me and not the celebrity.

What fun it would be to drive someone around at a snails pace between two cities covering a 13-hour journey in almost 22 hours. The leisurely drives along the roads of the country where the sidelines are embellished with throngs of masses waving, clapping, chanting slogans, hailing the celebrity, which I would think was engineered for me. What a mega ego boost – never had I received so much attention earlier.

I could align myself with the cameramen to take close shots of myself rather than the celebrity. The whole world can watch me through satellites where all eyes are on me. How fascinating it is when I’m actually covered by glamorous media channels. The very thought of such an event taking place gives an adrenalin rush.

While I’m doing this supposedly menial job, I have the benefit of befriending all friends and foes of the celebrities. I have imagined that some day, somewhere these deprived TV channels would actually invite me on their talk shows to learn about the finer details of my boss.

Being a driver does not only involve the showering of attention on me but it will also enhance my knowledge. I can learn about various routes to the same destination to impress my boss and, of course, I can learn the shortcuts – the hallmark of a good driver.

These dreams are replete with emotions to achieve what I have always envisaged, but have not accomplished as yet. This impairment in self-actualisation has left a void in me somewhere which makes me envious of all those who have acquired my aspiration. Although envy enshrouds me as a negative emotion but I shall not give up without a fight. I am still marking applications to potential Land Cruiser owners in the fraying hope that some day, someone would call upon me. The likes of politicians, would-be politicians, religious figures and any former cricketers are more than welcome to partake of my services. Any takers?