MicroPakistan

[For all those who are not aware this is a satirical piece as part of a series called NEWSFLASH (here, here and here). In my previous post I spoke about how Imran Khan will soon be filling a case against Altaf Husain in England. It will be very difficult to collect evidence in this case and it may get very costly. We will have to wait and see how long Mr Khan is able to maintain his enthusiasm. It just struck me that something like a football match might be cheaper, quicker, simpler and much more conclusive.]

MicroPakistan has learnt that it has been decided that Imran Khan and Altaf Husain would battle it out on the football field to resolve their current stand off. This idea was suggested by Mr Husain who expressed his unhappiness towards the legal proceedings initiated by Mr Khan by saying, ‘I am totally against all kinds of violence [sic], in particular the political violence initiated by Imran Khan against me. I would suggest that instead of going to court we should take care of this in the sports arena. I am sure Mr Khan would have no problem with this.‘ It was initially suggested that they take each other on in a cricket match, but considering the superiority the flat-stomached Khan possessed in the sport, it was dropped in favour of football.

The match will be taking place at Hyde Park on 4 July 2007, which will also feature the rock band Junoon, as part of the Pak-American friendship celebrations. Salman Ahmed of Junoon is also planning to make a documentary on Imran Khan’s efforts in collaboration with Scotland Yard to reign Altaf Husain in, which is to be titled ‘The Terrorists and the Tullahs‘.

It has been reported that Altaf ‘Hitman’ Husain has gained formidable football skills while supporting his team Arsenal for the past 15 years. Even though the final 11 are not clear, certain players are sure to feature. Sarfaraz ‘Ghora’ Nawaz will be taking on the role of centre forward, centre midfielder, centre defender and flying goalie. A large majority of the Sindh Government will be flying in to London to watch the epic match. Several MQM sectors in-charge will also be present to take care of any ensuing phuddas (fights). President Musharraf has offered to sit on the bench and, if required, is willing to take on the left-wing. However, Mohatarma BB has only offered to sit on the fence.

Imran ‘Play boy’ Khan’s team will be made up of all-time greats such as Javed ‘Qwicket’ Miandad (who has been desperate to enter any sort of sporting field after his disgraceful 1996 World Cup), Maulana Inzi (who is working on a book titled, ‘Public Displays of Religion’) and Maulana Mushy (who has mastered all English sports, except for cricket). Nawaz ‘Not so’ Sharif has excused himself from the match, but is taking care of the food arrangements from his Marble Arch flat. The menu is sure to include hit-items such as Nihari and Gawalmandi ke Sirri Paye.

Most analysts feel that Mr Husain’s team has a slight advantage on paper, however, Mr Khan has an outside chance if he uses his secret weapon. Jemima ‘Jemmy’ Khan and Kate Moss are collecting a team of cheer-leaders to perform during the match. Their distraction value for Mr Husain’s team and inspiration value for Imran and the boys should not be underestimated. However, Altaf plans to deploy Shaukat ‘Gigolo’ Aziz to neutralise the threat. Most experts believe that Mr Aziz’s talents are overrated in the ‘establishment’ camp where he happens to be by far the most refined and sophisticated person. MicroPakistan has learnt that Sheikh Rasheed is completely unimpressed by Mr Aziz’s talents and has requested General Mush to allow him to present himself as an alternative distraction for the ladies. He was quoted as saying, ‘If Jemmy and Mossy try to york me, I will play them for a plentystroke [sic]’. It is believed he meant ‘penalty stroke’.

Imran will also be supported from the sidelines by Chief ‘Sub Judice’ Chaudhry and Qazi Hussain Ahmed, who will be leading the pre-match prayers for Imran’s team. Maulana Diesel has refused to promise his support for either side, but will be in town to meet certain Russian oil oligarchs with an interest in football.

Even though most of the preparations are complete, it is yet to be decided what the reward for the winning side will be. At the time of going to press MicroPakistan had learnt that Mr Husain would voluntarily sit in jail for 20 years if he lost the match (this punishment is a bit uncertain though, as he had recently been heard referring to London as his ‘jail’), while Mr Khan would simply ’shut up’ in case he lost. We are looking forward to bringing you live coverage of what happens to be the most keenly awaited football match in Pakistan ’s history - MicroPakistan